Librevious

During college, I stumbled upon an interesting story of person named Daryl Davis, a Black American musician who has taken on racism in a very different way from what we are accustomed. Daryl Davis didn’t fight racism from afar; instead, he became involved with the Ku Klux Klan (KKK), a organization that believes only in the superiority of one race, to the exclusion of all others, and only allows for those of their race/beliefs to join.

At times, when my life was chaotic, Daryl Davis’ experiences opened my eyes and provided me with an entirely new perspective on how to deal with conflict while managing my emotions.

What was so unique about Daryl Davis’ activism was that he did not follow the typical activist playbook of having posters, marches, petitions or written manifestos. Rather, Daryl Davis was a listener who simply sat with members of the KKK and somehow transformed their hatred for people of color into empathy for them. An example is when he interviewed Roger Kelly, the national leader of the KKK. Many of Daryl’s friends stated he may be killed if he did so.

However, Daryl went on his own. Kelly and Daryl talked about a lot of things. They agreed about some, disagreed about many, but most importantly Kelly continued to tell Daryl how he was better than him because of his skin color and that Daryl would never be equal to him.

For most people, in such situations it would have been completely understandable to explode in anger and scream at Kelly for being wrong, to call him names for being a bad person and to possibly walk away from the conversation altogether. Daryl, however, was not trying to prove himself by winning a fight; he was attempting to derive an understanding of the place from which that poisonous attitude originated because he thought that if he could find the root of that attitude, then he could begin the process of removing it.

Daryl’s secret weapon for coping with this interaction with Kelly was respect. By showing Kelly the proper regard that was due him, Daryl was able to sit down with Kelly and allow him to voice his opinion; Daryl may not have agreed with all of Kelly’s ideas, but he allowed Kelly to express them while preserving his dignity, and he earned the opportunity to express his own opinion in return. Through this mutual respect, Daryl was able to crack open a door and allow some level of humanity to come in where hatred had previously ruled.

According to Daryl’s philosophy, we all have a cycle we fall into: we get fearful; we start accusing one another, which creates ignorance; ignorance creates fear because we fear what we don’t understand; if we allow this fear to continue to be present in the world without checking on it, that fear becomes the basis for hate, and through hate they will ultimately lead to destruction. The way for us to break that cycle as a people is through listening.

Patience as it pertains to listening is something that seems to be nearly lost in the world today. When you think of the world today, much of that activism has become shouts and insults, not only towards one another but labels like ‘racist’ and ‘fascist’ thrown around haphazardly. In the process it only fans the flame of hatred and there’s no path for understanding or real change to happen. We’re not immune to this at any level as we go through our daily lives, whether it be in protests, politics or everyday life. I know I wasn’t immune to it either.

I’m very much on the liberal side of the political spectrum, yet I still have a centrist approach, but back in days I took great delight in mocking the right-wing Conservative political side without even taking the time to truly listen to any of their ideas or thoughts. All that created was division and increased the amount of hate, that is. If you truly want to be able to change the perspective of someone else, you’ve got to make them feel as if they’ve been heard. That requires dropping your guard and creating a space where both sides can share their stories with one another, instead of saying I’m right you are wrong.

You’ll learn from them, and they’ll learn from you, it’s a two-way street.

When I started thinking about how this lesson applies in my everyday life and relationships, I felt an incredible impact. I started to think about how often we label people rather than communicate with them or even give them a chance to show who they are. Daryl’s example continues to remind me to stop and deeply listen to people and to continue communicating with them even when pride gets in the way. People go through periods of difficulty and many times experience fear, hurt and other forms of stress during these phases, but this does not make them a bad person.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and honestly, I see it everywhere, social media, real life conversations, or sometimes even in my head. 

We are flooded with relationship “advise” that’s designed to go viral but not to work in real life. We see these reels, telling us to leave the second we feel “disrespected.” We see memes screaming, “Know your worth, Queen.” We see influencers boasting about never compromising with their partners, and claiming anything other than that is oppression. Slowly without realizing, we start measuring our own relationships compared to these prescriptions. We limit our independent thinking, subconsciously follow the direction someone else provided: If our relationship doesn’t look or feel “perfect” as social media algorithm dictates, then we are failing as a couple.

So, when did we let a 15 second reel decide what’s “disrespect” in a relationship?

These short videos taken out of context will always be misinterpreted. You don’t know the person in the video, you just connect to their words without realizing they are sharing their own personal experience, which doesn’t and won’t equate to you. Their ideas, their thought process, their insecurities, aren’t yours, yet we unknowingly draw similarities and project your emotions and drawn conclusions. You ask the same person the same question after years, and they might have a complete different stance.

All these influence us to believe that mutual compromises in relationship dilute one’s self respect, and it’s either “stand your ground” or “you’re weak”. It amplifies the narratives and paints everything in black and white but the reality is always shades of grey.

The worst part of this phenomenon? The rules contradict with one another. Sometimes they tell us to stay loyal at all costs but also tells us “don’t ever let anyone dim your light.” It is always family first but on the other side they say “never lose yourself”. Or say “Be ride or die, but never settle”.

So, if you stay, you are oppressed. If you leave, you are selfish or “gave up too easy.” If you do a bit of both depending on the circumstances, then you are a hypocrite. You literally can’t win.

And because we are afraid to appear weak, we start to view any disagreement as disrespect to our dignity. 

He didn’t reply fast enough becomes a sign of disrespect. She’s choosing to spend Christmas with her family instead of me, becomes she choosing them over me. We stop focusing on the person and begin to focus on the scoreboard: Am I winning or am I being walked on?

But the truth is often much less dramatic, he’s tired from work. Or, the way in which you initiated made her feel pressured instead of wanted. But because we have all swallowed the pill of “never allow someone to disrespect you.” we skip the vulnerable conversations (“Hey, I feel disconnected. Can we talk about what is going on?”), and we go right to resentment or an ultimatum.

You become upset about something minor, and the voice in your head suggests, “If you don’t address it, you are a doormat.” But, when you actually calm down and you think about it….is it really about self-respect or is it just our pride in better clothing?

If love was always perfectly balanced, then why do we even need the word “partnership”?

A relationship doesn’t go by a rule book, it ins’t a 50-50 effort, its ongoing and moves dynamically. On some days, I’m empty and she’s holding the fort 90%. On other days, she’s coming apart and I keep everything together. Or sometimes we both at 30%, and the math doesn’t even add up, but we both keep showing up anyway. That’s not losing self-respect, that’s love in the real world.