I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and honestly, I see it everywhere, social media, real life conversations, or sometimes even in my head.
We are flooded with relationship “advise” that’s designed to go viral but not to work in real life. We see these reels, telling us to leave the second we feel “disrespected.” We see memes screaming, “Know your worth, Queen.” We see influencers boasting about never compromising with their partners, and claiming anything other than that is oppression. Slowly without realizing, we start measuring our own relationships compared to these prescriptions. We limit our independent thinking, subconsciously follow the direction someone else provided: If our relationship doesn’t look or feel “perfect” as social media algorithm dictates, then we are failing as a couple.
So, when did we let a 15 second reel decide what’s “disrespect” in a relationship?
These short videos taken out of context will always be misinterpreted. You don’t know the person in the video, you just connect to their words without realizing they are sharing their own personal experience, which doesn’t and won’t equate to you. Their ideas, their thought process, their insecurities, aren’t yours, yet we unknowingly draw similarities and project your emotions and drawn conclusions. You ask the same person the same question after years, and they might have a complete different stance.
All these influence us to believe that mutual compromises in relationship dilute one’s self respect, and it’s either “stand your ground” or “you’re weak”. It amplifies the narratives and paints everything in black and white but the reality is always shades of grey.
The worst part of this phenomenon? The rules contradict with one another. Sometimes they tell us to stay loyal at all costs but also tells us “don’t ever let anyone dim your light.” It is always family first but on the other side they say “never lose yourself”. Or say “Be ride or die, but never settle”.
So, if you stay, you are oppressed. If you leave, you are selfish or “gave up too easy.” If you do a bit of both depending on the circumstances, then you are a hypocrite. You literally can’t win.
And because we are afraid to appear weak, we start to view any disagreement as disrespect to our dignity.
He didn’t reply fast enough becomes a sign of disrespect. She’s choosing to spend Christmas with her family instead of me, becomes she choosing them over me. We stop focusing on the person and begin to focus on the scoreboard: Am I winning or am I being walked on?
But the truth is often much less dramatic, he’s tired from work. Or, the way in which you initiated made her feel pressured instead of wanted. But because we have all swallowed the pill of “never allow someone to disrespect you.” we skip the vulnerable conversations (“Hey, I feel disconnected. Can we talk about what is going on?”), and we go right to resentment or an ultimatum.
You become upset about something minor, and the voice in your head suggests, “If you don’t address it, you are a doormat.” But, when you actually calm down and you think about it….is it really about self-respect or is it just our pride in better clothing?
If love was always perfectly balanced, then why do we even need the word “partnership”?
A relationship doesn’t go by a rule book, it ins’t a 50-50 effort, its ongoing and moves dynamically. On some days, I’m empty and she’s holding the fort 90%. On other days, she’s coming apart and I keep everything together. Or sometimes we both at 30%, and the math doesn’t even add up, but we both keep showing up anyway. That’s not losing self-respect, that’s love in the real world.
Continue reading “Love is Embracing Mutual Growth”