I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and honestly, I see it everywhere, social media, real life conversations, or sometimes even in my head.
We are flooded with relationship “advise” that’s designed to go viral but not to work in real life. We see these reels, telling us to leave the second we feel “disrespected.” We see memes screaming, “Know your worth, Queen.” We see influencers boasting about never compromising with their partners, and claiming anything other than that is oppression. Slowly without realizing, we start measuring our own relationships compared to these prescriptions. We limit our independent thinking, subconsciously follow the direction someone else provided: If our relationship doesn’t look or feel “perfect” as social media algorithm dictates, then we are failing as a couple.
So, when did we let a 15 second reel decide what’s “disrespect” in a relationship?
These short videos taken out of context will always be misinterpreted. You don’t know the person in the video, you just connect to their words without realizing they are sharing their own personal experience, which doesn’t and won’t equate to you. Their ideas, their thought process, their insecurities, aren’t yours, yet we unknowingly draw similarities and project your emotions and drawn conclusions. You ask the same person the same question after years, and they might have a complete different stance.
All these influence us to believe that mutual compromises in relationship dilute one’s self respect, and it’s either “stand your ground” or “you’re weak”. It amplifies the narratives and paints everything in black and white but the reality is always shades of grey.
The worst part of this phenomenon? The rules contradict with one another. Sometimes they tell us to stay loyal at all costs but also tells us “don’t ever let anyone dim your light.” It is always family first but on the other side they say “never lose yourself”. Or say “Be ride or die, but never settle”.
So, if you stay, you are oppressed. If you leave, you are selfish or “gave up too easy.” If you do a bit of both depending on the circumstances, then you are a hypocrite. You literally can’t win.
And because we are afraid to appear weak, we start to view any disagreement as disrespect to our dignity.
He didn’t reply fast enough becomes a sign of disrespect. She’s choosing to spend Christmas with her family instead of me, becomes she choosing them over me. We stop focusing on the person and begin to focus on the scoreboard: Am I winning or am I being walked on?
But the truth is often much less dramatic, he’s tired from work. Or, the way in which you initiated made her feel pressured instead of wanted. But because we have all swallowed the pill of “never allow someone to disrespect you.” we skip the vulnerable conversations (“Hey, I feel disconnected. Can we talk about what is going on?”), and we go right to resentment or an ultimatum.
You become upset about something minor, and the voice in your head suggests, “If you don’t address it, you are a doormat.” But, when you actually calm down and you think about it….is it really about self-respect or is it just our pride in better clothing?
If love was always perfectly balanced, then why do we even need the word “partnership”?
A relationship doesn’t go by a rule book, it ins’t a 50-50 effort, its ongoing and moves dynamically. On some days, I’m empty and she’s holding the fort 90%. On other days, she’s coming apart and I keep everything together. Or sometimes we both at 30%, and the math doesn’t even add up, but we both keep showing up anyway. That’s not losing self-respect, that’s love in the real world.
The thing nobody says out loud anymore is that lasting relationships demand sacrifice. Not the kind where you dramatically lose yourself forever, toxicity kind of nonsense which glamorises isolation, but the quiet daily kind. Choosing to wash the dishes when it’s her turn because today has been hard. Biting your tongue instead of “winning” the argument. Adjusting the way you communicate because the old way is hurtful, even though it seems the most natural to you.
We have been sold the idea that any kind of sacrifice = weakness, but l’ve started to think it’s the other way around: walking away the moment it gets hard, is often the weaker move. It’s definitely the easier one.
Older couples I know the ones who still hold hands after 40 years, chuckle when I ask for their secret. They say things like, “We just decided the marriage was bigger than either of our egos.” Or “You choose your battles, and most of them aren’t worth fighting.” They didn’t have the option to post out dramatic exit quotes and get 10k likes for validation, so they actually had to fix shit.
I’m not saying remain in something abusive. Ever. But I am saying that we’ve lost the middle ground, where you work hard to save the relationship before you work hard to get out of it. Where you invoke the question, “What can I change?” before you state, “You need to change or I’m out.” Where maybe bending a little doesn’t equate to betraying the self; it equates to an investment in us.
True dignity does not come from standing rigid on your values. It comes from the bravery to soften, to shift, to carry more than others can, and believing that when you cannot carry, they will.
At the end of the day a relationship is not two people protecting their own castle. It is two people creating one home together, and sometimes that means giving up the hammer to your partner when your arms are too tired to lift it yourself.