We might have this question pop up once in your lifetime: “Who comes first wife or mother?” It’s one of those classic debates that sparks heated arguments in social media, family WhatsApp groups, or a late-night conversations with your spouse. But honestly, the more I think about it, the more I dislike the question itself.
Why? Because framing it as “wife or mother” quietly reinforces an old gender stereotype that it’s always the man’s job to “choose,” and somehow the woman’s family doesn’t carry the same weight. It’s a setup loaded with gender bias and, frankly, a bit of internalized misogyny.
A fairer way to ask it would be: Who comes first, spouse or parents?
That small rephrase changes everything. It puts both partners on equal footing and reminds us that this dilemma isn’t exclusive to one gender. Men and women alike wrestle with it, and both can get it right or very wrong.
So let’s talk about it that way from here on out: spouse or parents?
The Short Answer: Your Spouse Comes First
Once you’re married or in a committed partnership, your spouse becomes your primary family unit. That person is the one you’re building a life with, sharing a home, your finances, your dreams, and some day maybe kids.
Prioritizing them doesn’t mean ditching your parents. It simply means your loyalty, emotional energy, and big decisions now lean toward the person you chose to team up with for the long haul.
I have heard the counter arguments plenty of times: “Parents are forever; spouses can be replaced.” Or “Your parents raised you they’ll always have your back, even when your husband/wife leaves you”. Those lines sound comforting on the surface, but they’re dismissive of what marriage actually is.
First, such statements treat your spouse as someone temporary or interchangeable. This mindset is not only unhealthy but it quietly undermines the very commitment you’ve made. When you enter a marriage or any long term partnership, it isn’t meant to be entered with an emotional “escape hatch” already planned. When you carry such a view, deep down you’re less likely to invest fully, communicate openly, or work through tough times because you’re expecting it to fail anyway. Such cynical beliefs cause you to turn to your parents for advise or support before your spouse at first sign of conflicts, reinforcing the idea that your spouse is secondary.
Second, this mentality is damaging as it creates a hierarchy where parents are placed on a pedestal of “guaranteed” loyalty, while your partner is seen as conditional. That’s not fair to the person you’ve chosen to build a life with. Your spouse isn’t just a romantic option you choose to be with, but the person with whom you are building your new family. Dismissing them as “replaceable” sends the message that your relationship you’re actively living every day matters less than the one you were born into. This isn’t fair to either partner whether you’re a man or a women who’s building a life together
And perhaps most importantly, this mentality can be passed down to the next generation. Children will quickly pick up on your attitude about marriage and learn to develop similar beliefs about marriage. If they grow up hearing that marriage is fragile and secondary, they may enter their own relationships with similar perspective.
Your Spouse Comes First, But It Should Never Be a Forced Choice
So should this be an ultimatum? ie Choose between your parents or spouse? especially if the question is used to control the situation without the root for discussion or compromise?
A healthy relationship works on mutual respect and boundaries and not on forced binaries. The demand or pressure of having to cut off a spouse’s family to prove their loyalty steam from your spouse’s insecurities, or unresolved issues. As a result, it becomes a power struggle to avoid addressing of the true issue(s) (i.e., “why does my spouse feel threatened by my parents?”).
Ohh..wait, why did the tone of this writing suddenly change now? If that’s your thought, then lets take a step back and take a moment to realise that every situation has two sides.
In situations where your parents are abusive to your spouse, undermining your marriage, or attempting to disrupt “your” family’s daily routine, the decision to choose your spouse over your parents is the right way and its self preservation. However, it is also important to note that these kinds of decisions should only be made after attempts at setting boundaries, communication and even therapy fails and not the other way around. It shouldn’t be a sudden “me or them” demand, it should only be considered when even after setting healthy limits for everyone fails. If your spouse pressures you to take a decision without making such attempts and skips straight to make one partner “choose sides” then he/she is manipulating the situation.
In addition to what has been discussed above, it is also important to recognize that the “sword” cuts both ways. It is hypocritical to demand that a partner cut ties with their family while attempting to defend your own sacred bond with your family. Examples of double standards such as “My mom can say whatever she wants about me but your mom has to stay in her lane” have a guaranteed effect of destroying the trust between partners quicker than any other action.
What I’ve Learned the Hard Way
Navigating my own family dynamics, and yes, making plenty of mistakes along the way, here’s the perspective when dealing with parents ie your in-laws:
If you find that your spouse has the same values system as you and cares for you each day, then what your inlaws say or do (90% of it) won’t have as much weight as you are giving it.
They do not determine your value, nor the strength of your relationship, they simply add to the noise level in your head.
Taking offense for your partner or demanding that your spouse defend on your behalf often turns into a test of loyalty nobody was ever meant to take. And honestly? Most parents are just being parents: clueless, stuck in their ways, repeating what was done to them.
It’s not the point of “take whatever crap your in-laws dish out.” The point is: if your partner is solidly in your corner at home, choosing you every single day, then most of that family noise doesn’t deserve the power we give it. You’re a team working together against the problem, not a team against his/her parents.
Save your energy for that relationship which is yours, and not the one you are supposed to fight with those who aren’t even in the house.
However, I do think that patriarchy plays a role in these conflicts and have certainly reinforced many of these traditional expectations, but boiling everything purely down to the lens of patriarchy can over simplify a complex situation and accidentally erase entirely different other problematic behaviours such as family loyalty, generational trauma, cultural traditions or individual personality clashes. The most productive way is to acknowledge the gendered baggage where it exists and then set it aside, so that we can focus on what creates strong, respectful relationship now.
Only after genuine mutual efforts fail, a stronger boundaries be justified. But even after this point, giving the “choose me or them” ultimatum is rarely constructive. Relationships are nuanced and complex, they are much more effective when there is an environment where both partners are able to support each other when they say, “I have chosen us as a team, including the way we will support each other in dealing with family issues.”
Lets work on the issues together instead of forcing a choice. That’s how you build something that lasts.